May marked four years of being a stay-at-home mom. There are so many thoughts floating around in my head and so many emotions as I reflect back on the past four years and think about the small amount of time I have left. It seems like just yesterday I picked Brady up from daycare for the last time and drove home. Home -where I could be with him and be there for him every day until Kindergarten (I hoped). I will never ever forget that feeling driving away from his daycare. There was a little bit of panic going on!!
I have never felt like I can be completely honest in what I post or "say" simply because I don't want to offend anyone. However in today's social media culture, I feel like life is glamorized by people's post on what they are doing and where they are traveling. Myself included. So I want to keep this as real and honest as possible.
That first year was hard, very hard. When I reflect on that first year, I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness and loneliness, alongside with awesomeness. I would never ever change it - home with Brady was where I wanted to be and I don't regret it. I was definitely prepared to hang out in my sweats all day with my little guy. That part was easy. :) It was the adjustment of being alone all day and most nights, no conversation with anyone other than Brady. You don't realize how many day-to-day conversations you have every day at work, etc until you quit your job to stay home. Chris was busy with his hobbies and latched onto what one of his friends had said about if his wife ever stayed home, he didn't want it to be a situation where he walked in the door from work and was handed the baby. Chris kept quite busy with his hobbies that first year. I also understand that there is an element to being the sole provider that brings on stress that I do not fully comprehend. So I am not judging. It was just an extreme challenge for me considering my life changed too. Brady was only five months old. I was up with him during the night, every night. I was up early and late with him. I did the night time routine every single night. I didn't spend money to socialize or go out at all - I stayed home with Brady. I took care of Drake, everything inside and outside of the house, and our finances. I could see why we didn't always have a ton of groceries in the house or elaborate meals since I handled the finances, but Chris didn't always understand. We made the decision for me to stay home together, but it didn't always feel like we were "in this together". We had (and are still working on) to overcome expectations like whose job it is to help with certain household chores and the idea that even though Chris was the only one working, the income was joint. Basically that first year I felt an overwhelming sense of failure, tiredness, loneliness and sadness. It was something I didn't feel like I could talk about because really, no one was in my position and would understand. HOWEVER, don't forget that I also understand and felt amazed by how wonderful it felt to be home with Brady every single day. It was truly a gift that I was given and was only possible for so many years.
This summer, our life got busy. We are on the go a lot now. Brady is older and so to get more interaction with others, we go places. And then there are swim lessons, soccer, baseball, VBS, playgroups, golf, etc. We have never been this busy before and this summer, I have started to miss that first year. Quiet days, naps, walks, library time, bubbles, sidewalk chalk, picnics under our front tree, all the parks we've been to, walking up and down the sidewalk in the evenings just for something to do, the mall play areas, walking to the Y and just hanging out at home. Simple times. Although I just described those days as lonely and hard, as I mentioned there was a sweetness to them. I cannot hear the Hershey's syrup (stir it up) commercial, ABC mouse commercial, the Super Why cartoon theme song without smiling. Those songs, images, cartoons make up what our life was then. So many sweet memories.... I remember we would just sit on the kitchen floor in the evening when Chris was gone, Brady on my lap facing me and he would eat his snack like that. Or that fussy time of night while I would be cooking supper - one night I just held him and danced / swayed in the kitchen to music and he fell asleep on me. And one of my favorite things/memories was a simple nightlight I bought at Pottery Barn Kids one night that first year. We were bored one evening (Chris was gone) and so we walked around the mall. We had no money, I mean literally no money but do you know that feeling when you haven't spent any money in a really long time and you just want to buy something? Anything? Well, I saw this nightlight and we were enjoying our little evening and so I bought it. And every time I looked at that nightlight over the past few years, I smiled remembering that evening we bought it. Unfortunately Leo got a hold of it, but didn't totally destroy it! :)
Around a year into staying home, something just clicked. I knew sacrifices were worth this experience, but I began to feel it. Things became a lot easier. I knew what was expected of me, I knew how our finances would work since we had survived that first year. Even though expectations weren't always agreed upon, they were known. Brady, Drake and I had established a routine and even though it seemed like activities changed every six months, we had established a pattern of how our days went. We also started meeting up with a new friend and her two boys once every week as a playgroup. That mom was my lifeline. We enjoyed getting out and experiencing new play places. And Brady was able to have consistent friends in his life.
There seems to be this battle of Working Mom vs. Stay at Home Mom. It really isn't a battle unless you let it be. I get really tired of articles and Facebook posts of the working moms going on tyrants against stay at home moms. Listen, we are not all crafty (me especially). We might try something from Pinterest and because it wasn't an epic failure, I might post of picture, but trust me, it only happens once a year!! :) I do not judge working moms. I think everyone makes the best decision for their family. Good for them if they want to work to help provide for their kids. But a lot of these articles say how kids are better off if both parents work. That's where it becomes personal for me. It's great that working moms post and comment about it but it's like they are defending their decision to work against what? Does anyone really care if you work or not? The only people who should care is that person and their family. But don't defend your position by "proving" your child is better off than mine. Because here is the bottom line - ONCE YOU STAY HOME, YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU COULD HAVE MISSED OUT ON. But you don't get it or could even remotely understand until you've been there, done that. Just like every other experience in life. I can't even remotely imagine ever changing my decision to working instead of staying home after being home. And trust me, Brady is intelligent and although maybe coddled a little, he will be self-sufficient and resourceful and respectful. I can't imagine giving life to this precious sweet child and not being able to be there to raise him.
I am treated differently since I stay at home. It might be hard to believe, but I have been literally dismissed and talked over in conversations. I understand that I am not part of the daily grind, and even though we are busy every day, it's fun stuff and that I only have one child, not two or three or even four, but that doesn't mean I don't understand what it's like to be a mom, try to keep up on things, work on myself and sometimes need a break from hearing "mom look" close to a million times a day. It really hurts to not be validated.
I also talk/complain about money a lot. That's because for me (us) it's a huge part (stress) of staying home and sometimes I just want to talk about it. Sometimes I just want figure out what others are doing so maybe I could do it better for us. I know people get tired of me saying things like "but it costs so much" or we can't go because we don't have extra money right now, but it's a reality for me. It's also hard for people to see why I complain because from the outside, it looks like we do have money. We just bought a puppy. But please don't judge until you are raising an only child and they consistently ask why everyone else has brothers and sisters except for him. Yes, this is the way God designed our family, but even an only child deserves a buddy. Chris also has a golf membership and I have a gym membership. Look, those are just there because otherwise we probably wouldn't survive. :) Those are a must for us! And yes, we went to the Dominican Republic this year with our friends. But everyone was going, it was the first time our group had done a trip, and we really just didn't want to miss out on such an amazing experience. That was a big sacrifice, but well worth it! We also have friends / family who want to do things. Events, weekends, Disney World has come up twice now this past month - from each family. I try to explain that we just can't. We can't do big vacations right now. And if we say yes to one, then we have to say yes to the other, so then we go to Disney World twice? And I would really prefer our little family does our own vacations. That's how we did it growing up and those are some of my favorite childhood memories. Do not get me wrong, if we were rich, we would vacation every year with both of our families and do our own, but if we are going to make this work, then we can't. It's not worth going back to work right now. And I do not like being a mooch and having things paid for. I think it's just really hard for people to remember what it's like to track every single dollar of your income. It's hard, but not as hard as it is to say no to family. :) Yes our little family decides to do fun things like a hockey game or the Science Center, but that doesn't mean that we can afford it. It's just important to me to do fun family things with Brady and if that means groceries get put on the credit card once in awhile, so be it.
I have changed over the past four years. Like I've said before, I believe in the power of positivity. I've also grown to see the beauty in life around me. Beautiful days, that wonderful smile of Brady's, floating around the lazy river on a beautiful day with Brady listening to him laugh, seeing the sunshine and hearing the summer sounds of trucks outside, lawn mowers, birds chirping... This experience has made me LOVE LIFE. Yes, life is hard. It downright sucks sometimes. But my faith has grown so much in the past four years that I see the beauty in life, I look up not down, I believe that God has allowed Brady and I this opportunity of a lifetime to experience life again on a whole new level. I was given this small window in life - five years - to once again be revived and see the beauty in this world that God created and I've been able to see it again through the eyes of a small child. People often ask me what my plan is for when Brady goes to Kindergarten. I do not know. I have certain areas of interest - health/nutrition, finances, nursing and having school hours, so who knows where my path will lead. But I will always have these sweet (and sometimes not so fun) memories of the most wonderful five years of my life and it might just take a song or cartoon to take me back, but it will always bring a smile to my face. :)
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