And life changes again.....

It's time for an update.  I am no longer pregnant.  We went in for the six week ultrasound and everything was great.  Baby was measuring on track and had almost the same heartbeat that Brady did at that point.  We went back in for the eight week ultrasound the end of January and the baby had stopped developing.  They believed it stopped right after the six week ultrasound.  We were in shock since everything had been going so great.  Hearing the nurse say "I'm not seeing what I'm supposed to, I'm going to go get the doctor" was a phrase that I will never forget...  Exactly like when the vet said "he's ready".  We knew it was taking longer than normal as the nurse was getting the measurements and we heard her turn on the sound and didn't hear that sweet sound of the heartbeat like we heard at the six week appointment.  Knowing and hearing the heartbeat two weeks earlier had made it so so real.  Chris took the next day off and we spent it together as a family, although we were drained.  We took Brady to Frozen and out to eat, which family time always holds a special place in my heart and makes me smile even though we were sad that day.

I had the D&C two days later.  My mom came to watch Brady and I was happy I decided to do it.  I don't think I processed it though because I started to "clear out" things and cleaning closets and adding to the garage sale pile.  It was so nice of our friends and family to call and text and send flowers, a hug from my uncle that I didn't even realize how desperately I needed a hug, balloons and cookie - all those wonderful things that make a person feel so loved.  It finally hit a few days later and I was really sad for quite a few days.  No more putting a little baby in those snugly little footie PJ's, no more hearing them coo for the first time, or watching them find their hands for the first time.  No more calling mom with news like "Guess what he/she just did for the first time!".  No more holding a warm little baby that was mine.  I was sad for the loss of the baby.  We were excited to have one more child.  We loved talking about names and had even come up with ones.  We liked Stephanie Mart for a girl and I wanted Joey for a boy but agreed to Andrew Joseph so Chris could call him AJ and I could call him Joey yet.  But over time, I've realized what makes me sad probably more than anything is the loss of having more children and siblings for Brady.  This was it - this baby was our last frozen embryo.  Five years and around twenty five thousand dollars later, our family number has been decided.  We are officially a family of three.  

I am ready for my body to return to normal.  Hopefully within a week or so.  That will help me move forward, getting back into a routine.  We have a lot to still look forward to and we will be OK as a family of three.  I am excited to have another summer with Brady hanging out at the pool and parks and going for picnics and not being 8/9 months pregnant.  We can dream about moving now and more financial security and fun vacations.  I will be that mom ordering Easter baskets and Christmas stockings from Pottery Barn knowing that this is it.  We will make this a great year and knowing Brady's personality, he will thrive.  And best of all, he has lots of little cousins his age, so he will be surrounded by family no matter what.  

I feel like I went on a personal journey last year.  I learned to be accountable for my own actions.  I learned about the power of positive thinking.  And I've grown so much spiritually that I know and believe that while we make decisions to control our "life", our journey is predetermined and guided by Him.  I'm not angry, I'm not mad, I'm not asking why (although I do get frustrated thinking about some people who have kids and can't really handle them when I feel like I would love more kids and could handle them. :))  I'm OK.  We'll be OK.  Life is still amazing and awesome and we feel so incredibly blessed to have our silly, goofy and sweetheart of a three year old.  I'm so grateful we decided to have me stay home with Brady and not wait until the second child came.  I've been given so many great years with him that I'll never get again.  I'm glad I didn't miss out on him growing up.  

Brady has been such a wonderful addition to our family - the one out of eighteen eggs that survived.  All the shots, thousands of shots over the years that had to be given a certain time every day, all the pills and hormones and catheter in my stomach and being so severely dehydrated that it took three tries and two nurses to find my pulse, going on short term disability, having a bad reaction to the nausea medicine, getting doses of nausea medication that they give to chemo patients, all the appointments, ultrasounds, blood work that had to be done, all the dreams over the past five years about how big our family would be someday, all the trips to Bauders, all that bad bad stuff that I want to scream sometimes just thinking about.  And yet, I'm glad I went through that as I am comforted and have a great appreciation in knowing that it gave us Brady - our best gift yet.  

And look at this picture - sheer joy