It's taken me awhile to be able to sit down and write this post. It was two weeks ago on Saturday and it still feels like an overwhelming task. I tend to eat my emotions and am currently mindlessly eating crackers with tears in my eyes just because I'm going to write this.
Drake had blood work done at the beginning of the summer and everything came back excellent. I joked about it, but deep down loved that dog so much I seriously couldn't imagine him getting sick. Shortly afterwards, I switched his food to a different kind that did not have red dye in it considering that any time he vomited, it cost $65 a spot to get it out. However, his stomach started to swell over the summer. I noticed, but just assumed it was the food. About a month ago, he stopped eating twice a day. There were days he would go 24 hours without eating. We tried to wet his food to soften it, crush up cereal to put on top of his food, even switched back to his old food thinking maybe his teeth hurt or something. On Wednesday before "that day", he stopped eating. He vomited, wouldn't eat treats and wouldn't even touch table food. He would just go outside under the tree in the front yard and lay there. By Friday evening, he started moaning (not his typical groans) and was panting.
I'm sure you wondered why I didn't take him in before this. I was having a huge battle going on in my head. We were leaving for vacation that next Wednesday and I couldn't leave him like this. I even told Chris that we should probably fly back the day after the wedding. But yet I didn't want to take him in and have the vet recommend surgery, meds and have the dog sitter have to worry about that. I just felt like I couldn't leave him. It was tearing me up because I knew he needed to get in.
I woke up at 5:15 Saturday morning and could hear him moaning downstairs in the living room. He hadn't been upstairs for a few days, except for the night before he pushed open Brady's bedroom door and woke him up. I went in there and Drake was just standing next to the bed staring at Brady. God, I love that dog and his relationship with Brady. I will always wonder if that meant something. I was telling my workout partner that morning about Drake and what was going on and she said what I knew - I needed to take him in ASAP. I got in my car to go home after my workout and just started sobbing. I knew. I knew and I had been denying it. I knew that when we took him in, that would be it. He's 12. He's not eating, not going up the stairs, moaning, he can't catch his breath. Deep down, I think that's why I didn't take him in right away, because I knew. I sobbed all the way home, in the shower, while I called the vet and all the way through the vet appointment. I had a nice swollen bump next to my eye before we made it to the vet thanks to all my crying. As if it was meant to be, our vet that we have always went to over the past 12 years was the one working that day. She recommended blood work and an x-ray to see what was going on. She took Drake and we left to go get breakfast while we waited. I sobbed in Hardee's as I tried to load up on caffeine and no matter what, I couldn't stop crying.
We went back to the vet and waited in the room. We could hear Drake barking so Chris had her bring him in. In the most heart wrenching and naive way, Brady saw Drake come in and said "I'm so happy to see you Drake!" She explained the x-rays and blood work to us. His spleen was extremely enlarged, most likely due to a massive tumor in his spleen. This was causing him to lose red blood cells and he was so anemic that he was close to needing a blood transfusion. Because his spleen was so enlarged, it was pushing his intestines off to one side and pushing his stomach to one corner. This was the reason he could not keep food down and he could not catch his breath. He also had severe arthritis along his spine, which was obvious since every time he got up off the floor, his front part of his body would get up first, then his back end. We could do surgery, but that would give him maybe two months in which they wouldn't be good months since he would be recovering from surgery. It was the most out of body experience I have ever had. I was standing with the vet and just put my head in my hands and kept bawling. I couldn't look up, I couldn't answer her and it honestly felt like I was standing above the room looking down. I know she was rubbing my arm and saying she was sorry, I know Brady was talking to me wondering why I was crying, but I couldn't move. Chris asked if Drake was in pain and what she would recommend. She said he probably wasn't in a lot of pain, but pretty uncomfortable and she said "he's ready". I'll never forget those words. He was ready. I knew it.
She took Drake back to get him prepped while I did paperwork and then Chris, Brady and I went back and sat with him rubbing him while it happened. He was gone before the second shot was even finished. He had his family by his side when he passed - we needed to give him that. That wasn't the hardest part though. Walking out of that room and leaving him for the last time laying there was the hardest most haunting part for me. That was physically painful.
It all happened so fast. From the number of days that he went downhill, to deciding to take him in and his appointment, to having to make that decision to the time he passed. We went in at 8:45am and I was driving home by 9:55 that morning, without Drake. We woke up the next day and thought 'did yesterday really happen?' Losing Drake was a HUGE loss for me. Drake and I had been through so much over the years. He was the true definition of a "best friend". Even though he just laid around all day, his presence was everywhere. From the oil stains from his coat on the carpet and walls, to the treats I threw out on the deck trying to get him to go out. His medicine on the front bathroom counter and all his "stuff", everywhere. I still listen for him all the time - in the middle of the night, when I open the garage door, when the door bell rings, when Brady drops food..... Our house literally feels so empty and quiet. I talked to him so much during the day and so much of what we did revolved around his schedule. Letting him out before we went somewhere, saying "bye Drake" as we walked out the door, getting home to feed him on time, checking a hundred times a day to see if he needed water. Once in awhile, we still feel like we hear a groan or bark and it's just our imaginations. I felt so different that next week. It's hard to explain, but we continued with life, but I felt different - worn out, sad, lonely. I wanted to scream I just lost my dog and then the next second I didn't want to talk about it and just hold him close to my heart. I decided to put the news on Facebook since so many people knew Drake and it was an amazing part of the healing process. We laughed and cried over the funny stories people remembered about him and it made us feel good to read them. I used to say how I couldn't wait to travel and not have anxiety over Drake or I couldn't wait to get new carpet, but when it's all said and done, I feel no relief. We went on vacation for my sister's wedding and I felt no relief over not having to worry about him. I just missed him. I miss him tons. Ultimately, I know it was the right decision - he was ready, I could see it. And I know I gave everything to that dog, sometimes I was OCD about his care!! So that has helped with closure on my part, because he knows I loved him. I just wished I could have done more, or at least hugged him more, pet him more - especially that morning. He was the best pet we could have ever asked for. We were so lucky that we picked that fat (the fattest) puppy in the litter that day. We were meant to be a family.
Brady and Drake formed an amazing relationship over the past few years. The other night at church when we were waiting for Awana I asked if Brady knew who Jesus was and he said "Drake's friend". He knows Drake is with Jesus, but sometimes out of habit when he drops food, he'll yell for Drake to come and get it. I think he understands Drake isn't coming back anymore, but I hope through pictures, we can help Brady remember someday what a great first pet Drake was and how much they loved each other.
